Does Your Mother Know?
by MaireadInish
Summary: Sam stumbles onto what she thinks is a mystery and ends up learning more than she ever thought to ask about the Colonel and his family
1. Default Chapter

Title: Does Your Mother Know?  
  
Author: CuppaJo  
  
Synopsis: Sam goes to visit Jack at his house and finds more than she expects. Many more.  
  
Genre: Is Fluff an official genre?  
  
Warnings: Slightly out-of-character behavior. I guess. I made Sam a bit more bubble-headed than she deserves to be, but everyone is entitled to a stupid day every now and again. Even Sam. We'll blame it on mixing pain medication or something.  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned them or made any money from this, would I really be writing Fanfiction?  
  
Season: Early season 7 w/ minor spoilers for Fragile Balance and the Mirror universe in general   
  
Okay, so she had to admit it. She was starting to worry. SG-1's official week long vacation had started on Wednesday and she hadn't heard a single thing from the colonel. If she knew that he was fishing at his cabin in Minnesota she wouldn't be nearly so concerned – she knew that he didn't like to be disturbed up there. But when she had driven by his house the other day on her way to the park with Cassie, his truck was still there. At first she thought that maybe, just maybe, he had gotten a ride to the airport and had left his truck at home. But no, she caught a glimpse of him in the front yard kneeling in front of his porch. Planting pansies. The colonel was planting *pansies* in his front yard during his week off. He wasn't fishing. And he didn't call her or anyone else to check to see if they were working. For four whole days. Planting pansies, no fishing, and no pestering phone calls – oh she was really beginning to worry.  
  
I really ought to have called Daniel or Teal'c before doing this, she thought, but it was too late now. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel as she turned onto the street where the colonel's house lay. Her intention was to do a quick drive-by, possibly drop in to say hello. Just to make sure nothing was amiss. But she didn't expect the sight that lay before her.  
  
A dozen or so vehicles were parked up and down the street, with more parked in a slightly haphazard fashion on the front lawn. The sounds of a party in full swing were emanating from the back yard and the distinctive aroma of barbecue drifted on the breeze. Colonel O'Neill was having a party. Without his team. Sam might have been hurt if she hadn't been so shocked to discover that he had a social life.  
  
Finding a parking spot that she could squeeze into further up the street, Sam decided to park her car and do a bit of reconnaissance. As she walked down the street to the house, she passed a young couple. The girl looked oddly familiar and Sam caught herself doing a double take before shaking off the feeling that Something Odd was happening.  
  
She looked at the cars as she passed by, but none of them looked familiar and only one had a government plate on it. The blue lights that SG personnel were now being required to have in their cars in case of emergency were also suspiciously missing. Clearly this was a non-military party. Well, there was only one way to figure out what was going on.  
  
She rang the doorbell. And there, in the doorway stood Jack. With a mustache. With handlebars. Jack with a handlebar mustache. "Can I help you?" Mustachioed-Jack asked in a booming voice.  
  
Sam's voice suddenly escaped her and she stood staring at this Mustachioed- Jack. The only thing she could think about was how he got his mustache to curl up like that, and how fast does facial hair grow anyway? Finally gathering herself together and finding her voice, she managed to squeak out a weak, "Colonel?"  
  
"You're looking for the colonel? He's out back. Come on in; I'll see if I can find him." Not-Jack said in reply. He moved away from the door and walked down the stairs to the living room. Sam slipped in through the door before someone changed their mind about an uninvited guest. She closed the door quietly behind her and looked around. And she backed into the wall in shock. She was surrounded by Jacks.  
  
One of the Jacks – one who still had brown hair but was wearing very expensive-looking "casual" clothes and not-ostentatious-but-noticeable jewelry – swaggered towards her. "Can I help you, miss?"  
  
Oh and this one smelled decidedly like a distillery Sam noticed as she gazed up at him. "I'm looking for the colonel." She said, trying to make her voice sound as natural as possible.  
  
"Which one?" He enquired politely.  
  
Oh this was bad. The possibilities swirled around in her mind. There was more than one colonel here. There must have been a breakdown in the time space continuum and alternate Jacks started popping up at his house. She looked around quickly – maybe alternates of herself and the rest of the team appeared as well. Hey eye was caught by a tall blond man talking to a woman who looked quite a lot like Jack in the corner. Holy Hannah, she was a man in another reality. And Jack was a woman. Okay don't think about that. And they were holding hands. "Um, the colonel who lives here?" She replied slowly while attempting to tear her eyes away from the couple.  
  
Brandy-Jack, as she dubbed him, gave her a strange look. "He's in the backyard playing with the grill. If you'll excuse me." He waggled his now- empty brandy snifter at her and slipped away from her and headed to the bar area.  
  
Sam made her way carefully to the door leading to the back yard where she gratefully found who she thought was the correct Jack at the grill. "Um, Colonel?"  
  
Jack looked up from the burgers he was flipping. "Carter! What are you doing here?" He asked surprised, but not displeased.  
  
Sam hedged closer to him, not quite sure if this was really the correct man. "You are my Colonel, right?" She asked suspiciously.  
  
Jack's eyebrows shot up into his hair. "*Your* colonel?"  
  
Realizing what she said, Sam blushed but pressed on. "I mean the Colonel from this reality." She asked quietly.  
  
"Yeeees." Jack answered wondering what would make her ask a question like that in public. He looked around to see if anyone else had heard.  
  
Sam scarcely noticed as a teenage Jack dressed all in black (including lipstick) walked by. Apparently his alternate clones were also making an appearance. "Sir, if the barriers between alternate realities began breaking down and alternates began showing up here, we really need to do something about it."  
  
"Oh." Jack stared at her anxious face. "Ohhhhhh." He smirked. She looked at him. At the perplexed look on her face he burst out laughing.  
  
Sam stared at him. It had been a while since she had actually heard full belly laughter from the colonel. She backed away wondering if this really was her colonel. Still she was hard pressed to stop the smile that threatened to quirk the edges of her mouth. There was no denying that he had a contagious laugh.  
  
"What..." He gasped out. "What makes you think..." He waved his hand around non-committally.  
  
Sam was once again serious, wondering what was going on. "One of the, um, 'others' said there was more than one colonel and I..." her voice died down at the look amused look on Jack's face.  
  
Taking pity on her, Jack's face straightened and he flipped some of the burgers over. "Well, it's nothing as exciting as all that, Carter. It just happens to be my year to host the annual O'Neill family reunion." He grimaced.  
  
Sam stared at him wide-eyed. "And the other colonel?" She asked haltingly.  
  
"Over there." He pointed with the tongs to a woman seated at the picnic table. "My cousin, Jane. Just made Lt. Colonel two weeks ago. Army."  
  
"Oh." Sam stood awkwardly taking in the people before her. Now that she looked around, she noticed that the Jack look-alikes didn't all look *exactly* like her Jack. Erm, this Jack. Not her Jack. Yeah. Her face flushed again at her mental faux pas.  
  
Jack grinned, mistaking her rising color for embarrassment about the alternate-reality comments. "Don't worry Carter, stranger things have happened. I told you that you were working too hard. We'll blame it on the stress."  
  
"Yeah. Stress." She looked at him sideways. "And the fact that all of your relatives look like you."  
  
Jack looked at her. "Oh we don't look that much alike."  
  
Sam quirked an eyebrow at him.  
  
"Do we?" He asked with not-quite sincerity.  
  
She smiled at him in reply. "Well, I guess I'll be going then. I didn't mean to interrupt." Sam turned to go.  
  
"Wait, don't go. Did you need something?"  
  
Sam turned back to him sheepishly. "Actually I was just checking up on you. We haven't heard from you in a while."  
  
Jack raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Isn't that my job?"  
  
"Exactly, sir."  
  
"I see. So what you're saying is that you missed me." Jack looked quite pleased with himself.  
  
She grinned impishly. "Oh I wouldn't go that far, sir. I just thought you might have been taken over by a flower-loving alien or something. The pansies were a nice touch, by the way."  
  
Jack grumbled. "Yeah, I thought so. Unfortunately Bill decided that they denoted the perfect place for him to park his Suburban."  
  
"Bill?" She asked curiously.  
  
He pointed vaguely in the direction of a group of men chatting off to one side. "The one who's probably three sheets to the wind but has a taste for Armani."  
  
"Ah. I think I met him when I came in. I should go; I didn't mean to interrupt your family function." Again she turned to go.  
  
"Ah, stay Carter. Save me from my relatives and their ever-exciting lives. At least you know what I do. It's really hard to boast when you can't tell anyone what you actually do."  
  
Sam bit her lip trying to decide. This definitely bordered on the 'too personal' line. "Are you sure?" Sam admitted to herself that she was curious about Jack's life outside the SGC.  
  
"Yeah. I'll introduce you around. Hand me that platter." He gestured to a large tray behind her.  
  
She held it out to him, but rather than taking it, he began placing the now cooked patties on it. "Besides." He added with a grin. "I need someone to help with the cooking."  
  
Sam wrinkled her nose at him and was about to give a retort when Jack's eyes wandered over to the gate. A woman had just stepped through and Jack's eyes twinkled with delight. "Ah hah, they're here." He gave a quick whistle towards the yard in general and everyone looked over towards the gate. Two men had joined the woman at the gate and were carrying containers that probably contained food of some kind.  
  
At once a chorus of "What is this, some kind of joke?" Echoed over the entire gathering and the newcomers rolled their eyes at what was obviously an old family joke.  
  
Sam looked at Jack in askance. "My brother, sister, and cousin." He pointed as he spoke. "I swear they come together on purpose." At Sam's continued look of confusion, he clarified. "A priest, a nun, and a rabbi arrive at a party..."  
  
"Oh." Sam gave him a disbelieving look. "Your brother's a priest and your sister's a nun?"  
  
Jack nodded. "Correction, one of my three brothers is a priest and one of my two sisters is a nun."  
  
Sam was even more surprised. "You have *five* siblings?" She choked out.  
  
"Yup." He said nonchalantly placing more burgers on the grill. "Now if you'll turn you attention over there." He pointed towards a group of four attempting to play badminton. None of them looked like Jack. But the two little girls were really adorable and were about 7 and 9 years old. "You'll see my other sister, Barbara, with her family. She's a nurse in Chicago. Her husband, Allen, is on the other side of the net. He's a cop. And those are their two kids, Ruthie and Hannah."  
  
"At the table by the shed," He continued, "is my older brother Paul. He's retired from the Corps and is working as a consultant in DC now. His daughter, Daisy, is here somewhere with her fiancée. I don't remember his name. Next to him is my younger brother, Andrew." Andrew was the mustachioed man who had answered the door. He sat holding the hand of a much younger woman who was gazing at him with admiration. "That's his new wife, Amber. Amber and Andy. Yeah they're swell. He's a ringleader."  
  
"A ringleader of what?" Sam asked cautiously.  
  
"You know, in a circus. He's the guy who announces all the acts. Amber's a trapeze artist, or something. His ex-wife was a clown."  
  
Sam stared at him, not sure whether he was being serious or not. She tried very hard to imagine the colonel working in a circus and failed miserably. Despite Andy's outward appearance, she decided that they couldn't possibly be related.  
  
Jack was continuing with his family synopsis, deftly flipping burgers between pointing out people. Over there are the Ernies.  
  
"The... the Ernies?" Sam asked as politely as she could muster.  
  
Jack rolled his eyes. "Yeah, named after my Great-great-grandfather, Ernest. That's Ernest Pratt the third, the fourth, the fifth, and the baby is the sixth." He pointed to several people in succession, starting with the oldest and going to the youngest. "Ernie the fourth is my second cousin. Do *not* under any circumstances ask about Ernest the first. They'll probably bring him up anyway, but do not even feign interest or they'll never leave you alone. He wrote some cheesy cowboy novels a million years ago and they've been trying to get them reprinted for years. God help us if they ever succeed." Jack's dramatic shudder caused Sam to grin, but she nodded sagely at his advice.  
  
The blond man she had seen inside took the full tray of hamburgers from Sam and replaced it with an empty one. He carried it over to the table where a group of obviously ravenous teenagers swarmed on it. Sam looked after him curiously, breathing a sigh of relief.  
  
Jack caught the look. "And just where did he fit into your alternate reality scenario?" He asked, amused.  
  
Sam flushed. "Uh, he was an alternate me and his wife was an alternate you."  
  
The tongs dropped from Jack's hand with a clatter on the grill and he hissed, "Are you telling me that in another reality I could be a woman and you can be a... a..." He waved his hand towards the man who had walked away.  
  
"Well, theoretically, sir. There's really only a difference between an X and a Y chromosome." She explained and taking in the look of horror that was crossing over his face, she continued wickedly, "It's also possible for Daniel and Teal'c to have been women in alternate realities." Her grin widened. "Who knows, maybe somewhere out there, a Jack O'Neill is married to a Daniel, or shall I say a Danielle Jackson..."  
  
"Not funny, Carter." He looked very annoyed by the idea.  
  
"What? You fight like an old married couple anyway." She teased gently.  
  
Jack opened his mouth to retort when he was interrupted. "Hey, Jack. Need any help?"  
  
"Dave, Maureen." Jack smiled and moved to embrace his younger brother and sister.  
  
Sam stood by watching with a thoughtful smile on her face. It was nice to see the colonel so relaxed. "I'd like you to meet my Second, Major Samantha Carter." Jack introduced her, a touch of pride in his voice. "Carter, my brother David, and sister Maureen."  
  
David and Maureen exchanged a quick knowing glance and then shook her hand in turn. "It's nice to meet you, Major." David said with a grin, his olive green eyes twinkling.  
  
"Please, Father, Sister, call me Sam." She replied pleasantly.  
  
"Only if you'll return the favor – Maureen and Dave." Maureen replied, also grinning. "It's so nice to meet a friend of Jack."  
  
"And to meet you as well." Sam added suddenly feeling shy. It was one thing to know the colonel's family as an outside observer, but to be included was a little overwhelming. She had no idea the colonel's family was so extensive.  
  
Jack looked over to the gate and hastily handed the tongs and apron to his brother. "Mom and Pop are here. Watch the burgers a second will you, Dave? Carter." He gestured for her to follow.  
  
Sam jumped at the non-vocal order and followed him to the gate her eyebrows lifted in surprise. He wanted to introduce her to his parents? That was... unexpected.  
  
But then, his parents were also unexpected. Any stray images that she may have had in her mind about Jack's parents were very different than what she found before her. She thought that Jack must take after his father – but this was not the case. He was very much his mother's child. Where his father stood slightly frail, walking with the help of a cane, his mother stood strong next to him despite the fact that they were both clearly in their late 80's. She and her son strongly resembled each other and Sam could clearly see where the colonel had inherited his confident air.  
  
"Mom, Pop!" Jack greeted his parents warmly, stopping to hug his mother and to give his father a two handed handshake.  
  
"Johnny! You're looking well." His mother greeted, returning the hug.  
  
"Maybe a little too well." His father added poking Jack in the stomach with a crooked finger, his eyes full of mirth. It was those eyes that made Sam realize that Jack hadn't inherited all of his personality traits from his mother.  
  
Jack just rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Pop. I'd like you to meet my Second. Sam Carter, my parents, Paul and Mattie O'Neill."  
  
"I wondered what it was that keeps my boy going back to that mountain." Paul O'Neill, Sr. implied. "Had to be more than the food in the mess hall.  
  
Jack flushed ever so slightly. "Actually, that's exactly what it is. Carter, tell him how good the cake is."  
  
"Best mess hall cake in Colorado, sir." She rejoined with a grin.  
  
"Hmmph. Well that's obvious." The elder O'Neill said, moving to poke Jack's middle again. But he was too quick and quickly placed his mother between himself and his father.  
  
"Well, I gotta get back to the burgers. Can't let Dave ruin 'em."  
  
Jack's mother hooked her arm through Sam's. "So, you work with Johnny. What do you do?" She asked Sam curiously.  
  
"I'm an astrophysicist. We're working on a deep space radar telemetry project."  
  
"Deep space, huh? So the boy's finally using that Astronomy degree he got. Who woulda guessed." Jack's father said gruffly, but with a tinge of pride coloring his voice.  
  
Sam quirked an eyebrow. A degree in Astronomy? She knew that the colonel had needed some kind of advanced degree to obtain rank, but she never knew exactly what it was. She realized that this was the best opportunity she would ever have for gaining information about the colonel's life that she would ever be presented with. She wondered where she could get a notebook so she could take notes.  
  
It was then that she noticed Jack's cousin – Bill? – leering drunkenly at her as they approached. "I, uh, think I'll go see if the colonel still needs help with the burgers." And with that she made her escape.  
  
She managed to make her way back to the patio where the grill had been set up, having only to dodge one of the Ernies and a gaggle of teenagers as they made another mad dash to the food table.  
  
"So, when's dinner?" She asked taking the proffered tray from Jack.  
  
"Oh, honey, there's no specific meal time." Maureen replied with a grin.  
  
"We're a reach, grab, and growl kind of family. Most big families are." Dave added, proving his point by snagging one of the bratwursts that Jack had just added to the tray. "Survival of the fittest – motto of the O'Neill clan."  
  
Sam raised her eyebrows. That was so far removed from Jack's 'no one gets left behind' axiom; she knew that it couldn't be completely true. Besides, who could believe a priest's Darwinian attitude? "I'll keep that in mind next time something from my mess tray goes missing. And here all this time I thought it was Daniel."  
  
Jack whistled innocently. "Gee nice weather we're having today." He added earning a glare from Sam and a smirk from his brother.  
  
"Not like the last time." Maureen agreed with a devilish grin. "This is the first time that Jack hosted where it didn't pour down rain." She confided to Sam. "We were going to ban him from ever hosting again had it rained today."  
  
"Hey, just because it rained last time doesn't mean it wasn't one of the best reunions in the history of reunions." Jack retorted with mock affront.  
  
Dave laughed, clearly remembering. Between guffaws he managed to choke out, "I've never seen Pop so filthy. And then, and then he pulled Mom... off the porch and they both... the both fell into that mud puddle."  
  
Maureen joined in with his laughter. "I was washing mud out of my hair for a week. The other sisters have yet to let me live it down!"  
  
"Can you blame them? You showed up back at the convent in a pair of Jack's sweatpants, duct taped around the waist and a sweatshirt that said 'I know a wienie man' on the front." Dave reminded her.  
  
Sam watched the exchange with amusement when Jack leaned over to her to clarify with a grin. "We played a friendly little game of football. Who knew everyone in the family would join in? Was ten years ago."  
  
And suddenly Sam could visualize in her mind the O'Neill family, a bit younger perhaps out in a backyard rolling in the mud and chasing after a football in the pouring rain. She began to chuckle along with the others, Jack grinning at them all with sparkling eyes.  
  
"I'll bet I have a picture somewhere. I know Sara took some." Jack added. "I'll show you some time." He promised her quietly.  
  
"I'd like that." Sam replied just as quietly.  
  
Maureen and Dave were ignoring them, caught up in laughter over some shared memory as Jack continued grilling. A far away look came over his face. "Charlie wanted to play." He said continued quietly. "I had bought him a new ball and he was so excited about having people to play with. He was crushed when the rain started."  
  
Jack was silent, a small, thoughtful smile playing at his lips. He didn't seem bitter or sad – just glad to have the memory. The look in his eyes gave Sam just one more reason to admire the man standing before her.  
  
Jack shook himself from the reverie and once again began pointing out more people to her, Maureen and Dave interjecting anecdotes along the way. Watching Jack interacting with his siblings, laughing, frowning, and rolling his eyes in turn, Sam looked o ut over the crowd, very glad that she had come. 


	2. How To Play Games With The Colonel

Does Your Mother Know – Chapter 2 

Author's Notes: Well, I had planned to make this a short single chapter story. But so many people asked for more, I felt I had to capitulate. So, I'm going to give it a whirl. Here goes nothing.

Oh, and in case you're wondering: It really is easiest to write from experience... And I'll just leave it at that.

"... And Father O'Reilly had just started his sermon about the demon in possession of a young man who crawled on the floor, screaming in agony when Davey here slipped and fell off of the end of the kneeler. He had his hands shoved in his pockets – couldn't get them out, I suspect – and there he was yelling and rolling around on the floor trying to get up." Maureen wiped a tear of laughter from her eyes. "None of us could help him, we were laughing so hard. That is, except for Barbara. She was too mortified to do anything. She was a teenager in a big way, then."

Sam's stomach hurt from laughing so much. She was sitting with Jack, Maureen, and Dave at a picnic table, paper plates filled with food scattered around. "Colonel, I can't believe you didn't help your little brother up off the floor!" She couldn't help ribbing, between guffaws. Dave was trying so hard to look mournful. Trying, but failing.

"Couldn't, Carter. I wasn't in the pews then. I was busy fulfilling my sacred duty as altar boy." Jack smirked into his bottle as he took a sip of his beer.

Sam stared at him thunderstruck. Jack had been an altar boy. Vague images of a tall boy with unruly hair standing next to a priest, looking angelic in his robes but with a devilish glint in his eyes. It took a little effort, but she could see it. "I don't suppose you have a picture of that, do you, Colonel?" She asked innocently. Oh to show that to Daniel...

Maureen patted Sam gently on the knee. "I'll see what I can dig up, dear."

Jack grimaced. "Hey, no fair ganging up on me."

"You spent four days on a ship with my father two weeks ago with nothing to do except talk about me, and you expect me to not collect information?" Sam reminded, with a grin.

"Information, maybe, but visual records? I would never stoop so low." Jack countered.

"Really? So it wasn't you who started circulating the 'Young Samantha Carter Trading Cards'?" She asked in an oily voice.

Jack couldn't help the guilty look that crossed his features, but covered quickly with, "Nope, that was Murray."

"Right." Sam replied, clearly unconvinced.

"Right." Jack replied with a mischievous grin.

Dave and Maureen sat snickering at their banter and Jack shot them a dirty look. "Thanks for the support, guys." Jack grumbled something about pesky little siblings.

Dave shook his head with mock seriousness. "Third Child Syndrome." He intoned to his sister.

"Sad, but true." She replied seriously, but with eyes twinkling. "Rebellious."

"Angry." Dave agreed.

"Short tempered."

"Bite me." Jack glared at them both.

Maureen shrugged nonchalantly and bit him on the shoulder.

Jack yelped and gently shoved her away. "I didn't mean that as an invitation! What is it with you women and biting?" He asked in a not-quite-disgusted voice.

Maureen looked over at Sam and raised her eyebrows. "You've bitten my brother before?" She asked with a smirk.

Sam flushed crimson. "I didn't know it was him at the time."

Maureen's eyebrows raised even higher. Jack leaned back looking smug, watching to see how much deeper she would dig herself.

Realizing how her statement had sounded, Sam pressed on quickly. "It was a... a battle simulation. I was unarmed, blindfolded, and barely conscious."

Jack coughed. It wasn't quite a good enough cover story... yet. People aren't knocked unconscious for simulations.

"It was really early in the morning. Heck of a way to wake up, eh Carter?"

She grinned abashedly at him. "Yes, sir." She looked vaguely relieved.

Once again, Dave and Maureen exchanged a look. This time though, it wasn't a light-hearted one. They knew that their brother was in a dangerous line of work, even though he wouldn't admit just how dangerous it was. When Dave had come to set up the swing, Jack's arm was in a sling and he was sporting a faded black eye. It wasn't the first time they'd seen him injured, and it wasn't like they saw him all that often.

Knowing that look, Jack stood up and quickly changed the subject. "Who wants cake?"

"There's cake?" Sam asked with a grin.

"My idea." All three O'Neills claimed simultaneously. They all looked at each other and chuckled. Apparently it was another old inside joke.

Jack and Maureen got up to get the cake, leaving Sam and Dave alone. Sam looked around the yard, when a group in the corner caught her eye. "Holy Hannah, what on earth are they doing?" She asked Jack's brother.

Dave looked around her to check out the scene before leaning back and answering nonchalantly, looks like a game of kickbowling-hopscotch.

Sam stared at him and raised an eyebrow. "Kickbowling?"

"Kickbowling-hopscotch." Dave corrected. "How do you do that thing with your eyebrow? I've seen Jack doing it too. He never used to do that." Dave proceeded to scrunch up his eyes and waggle his eyebrows, mouth frowning in concentration. He tried again, holding one eyebrow down with his hand. Sam watched him in fascination before laughing so hard she lost he balance on the bench and slid under the table. This in turn made Dave start laughing and he soon joined her.

Jack and Maureen came back bearing cake when they saw them sitting under the table, laughing. Shooting a grin at each other, they joined them under the table.

Dave's face went suddenly serious and reverential and he stated to the others: "It's uncommon knowledge that sometimes things just make more sense under a table." He then resumed laughing, which, in turn, made Sam laugh even harder, and caused the others to join in. Soon enough they were all lying in a heap of giggles.

When everyone had regained control, Jack handed them their cake. "Care to share what started all of this?"

Dave let out a chortle and gestured for Sam to explain. "He was trying to raise one eyebrow, like Murray does. It was – amusing."

"Did you do the scrunched up eyes, holding down one eyebrow thing?" Jack asked innocently.

"Yeah." Replied Dave suspiciously. "How did you know?" Comprehension dawned on his face. "You did it too! That's how you started!"

At Jack's sheepish grin, Sam and Dave started howling again with laughter. Jack and Maureen quickly joined in.

Gasping for breath, Sam managed to squeak out, "You still didn't explain Kickbowling-hopscotch."

"Oh! Are they playing?" Jack scrambled over his brother to look.

"Carter, you gotta learn how to play." He was scrambling to his feet pulling his companions up with him.

"Whoa, hold up. I'm not playing a game that I know nothing about, without some instruction at least."

Maureen leaned over and whispered to her, "Jack, Andy, and Dave invented it when they were kids. It really is fun."

"The rules are simple, Carter. It's a game you can play when you don't have enough people to have two whole teams for regular kickball." Jack explained. "You set up bowling pins in different parts of the kickball field. A pitcher rolls the ball to the kicker. The kicker kicks the ball toward the pins. Based on the number of pins knocked down after three tries, the kicker can then hop, a la hopscotch, that number of times to base. Everyone who has already kicked and is in the field also hops that number of times. You don't have outfielders or basemen, except to set up the pins, so you can't really ever get "out." When you get to home base, you score a run and get in line to kick again. When you run out of kickers because everyone is out in the field, the game ends. The more players there are, the further apart you spread the bases, and the fewer pins you use. Basically you play to beat you personal best."

Sam looked thoughtful, attempting to visualize the game in her head. "And your definition of 'kickball' in this instance is the game similar to baseball, I assume."

Jack gave her a strange look. "What else would it be?"

Sam grinned sheepishly. "Remember, Colonel; I'm a military brat. Everyone's definition of a game is different in different places. Ever try to explain powderpuff football in Crete?"

"I didn't even know you liked football, Carter."

Maureen pretended to look impatient and mock-whined, "Are you gonna play, or arencha?"

Sam hedged. Understanding a game and playing it are two different things. "Well... I don't..."

Dave and Jack each took an arm and steered her toward the game. Maureen pushed from behind. It was the idea of how they must look more than the action itself that made Sam laugh around her weak protestations. They all got in line with the rest of the kickers. The young people, ranging in age from about 5 to 25, who were playing noticed their new additions and promptly declared that they had to start again.

They were surrounded. Soon Dave was pulled away to be all-time pitcher-bowler and Maureen was pushed to the front of the line of kickers. Apparently she could hop further than anyone. A few more of the older adults wandered over to play and the field was efficiently and quickly reset to accommodate the new players.

Sam and Jack were in the middle of the line between the Goth O'Neill and Jack's mother.

Mrs. O'Neill took Sam's arm, as she had done earlier. "So, what kind of things do you do at your family reunions, Dear?" She asked sweetly.

"Oh, well, I haven't been to one in years. Mom was an only child and Dad had two much older half-brothers, so growing up, my brother Mark and I were the only kids. Our family reunions, when we had them, were usually held in restaurants, so there wasn't much to do." She paused thoughtfully and added, "Mark and I sometimes built card houses though." Sam couldn't help but compare her family with the O'Neills. Given the choice, she would have chosen the messier and livelier O'Neill style.

"Oh, my family reunions were always like that too. I was bored to tears and started begging off as soon I was old enough to stay home alone. Imagine my chagrin the first time Paul announced that the family reunion was an annual event. Plus there were weddings, funerals and wakes, birthday parties, holidays, and anniversary parties to attend. I almost didn't marry him. Then he dragged me kicking and screaming, and I mean that literally dear, to Easter dinner with his family. After that I knew I had to marry him, if for no other reason to be a member of this family." She sighed nostalgically. "It was the smartest move I've ever made. Oh, you're next dear."

Jack was in the process of kicking and she was surprised that she had been able to hear Mrs. O'Neill over the noise. All of the kids in the field were chanting Jack's name. No doubts that he was a favorite among the younger set, not that that was surprising.

Jack kicked the ball again. He had knocked down four of the spread out pins his first time, and it looked like this one was going to take out more.

By Jack's third turn, he had knocked down eleven pins and the kids in the field were cheering as they hopped to their next spot. Two of them were able to make it home and a third was only two spots away.

"Come on Carter. You can do it." Jack called from the field, a few voices echoing his.

The first ball came and she kicked it towards a group of pins. The ball hit one, which knocked over another, but missed the others. The second was better. She hit it with the tip of her foot and it bounced, luckily knocking into three more. "Try using the side of your foot." Jack suggested. "It'll stay on the ground and roll over more pins."

Sam nodded and this time she took out five pins. She grinned as she hopped to her spot, bringing in one runner and putting two others within one and five spaces from home.

"You've impressed them, Carter." Jack informed her quietly before hopping to his next spot. She looked around. He was right – the other people were much closer together than she and Jack were.

She grinned and called out to Jack, "You know, sir, maybe you should suggest this game as a team building activity to the general. I'd be happy to back you."

Jack smirked back in response. "Better yet, we'll get Teal'c's and Jacob's buddies to play it together."

Sam laughed at the idea of a bunch of Jaffa and Tok'ra hopping all around a field. Her thoughts were interrupted by calls of, "Come on, Mom. Bring us home!" and "Go Grandma!"

Not quite sure what name to call out, Sam settled for clapping and general cheering. Any grown woman who kicked and screamed when being forced to do something she didn't want deserved here attention. Having raised Jack deserved respect.

Mrs. O'Neill knocked down five pins and everyone advanced. There was now a big gap between the front hopper and home base and another gap behind her. If the next few kickers didn't post some big numbers the game would be over. It really was a game where everyone depended on everyone else. No wonder everyone cheered for each other. If Jack didn't suggest this to the general, she would. It had been a while since the SGC had done a fun cohesiveness workshop.

The game didn't end there. Sam got another turn and the game ended with the front-runner only two spaces from home.

Darkness was falling and tents began to spring up all over the yard. Sleeping bags had been spread out on the patio and on tarps on the yard.

Noticing them, Sam looked at Jack in askance. With a grin – he'd been doing that a lot today, she noticed – he replied, "O'Neill reunions are to family gatherings what Woodstock is to concerts. They generally last a good three days. Tomorrow will be excursions-around-town day. Sunday, for the Catholic set, is church day; Dave will say mass. Then we'll clean up, pack, have a casual lunch and generally make a nuisance of ourselves on the highways and at the airport. A few years ago, we actually held the picnic lunch part **at** the airport. Security was not pleased. You should come by tomorrow."

The last was added as an afterthought and even Jack looked surprised that he had said it, but quickly neutralized his reaction. "Mom, Pop, Dave, Maureen, and I were going to the Gardens. There's something of small Renaissance carnival going on. Daniel would have a great time mocking the historical inaccuracies."

Sam smiled. She could make a compromise. "Why don't I call Daniel and Teal'c and the three of us will meet you there?"

Jack nodded in agreement, his face unreadable. "That'd be good. So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, sir." Sam turned to go.

"And Carter?" Jack called out. "I think the Ernies are going to be there. Warn Daniel and T, wouldja?"


	3. How To Befuddle an Archaeologist

Does Your Mother Know? – Chapter 3 

Warning: Reading the first paragraph my clog your arteries.

Author's Notes:

No notes really – I just wanted to thank everyone who has written a review. I really do appreciate it and it keeps me motivated. (I think if I got such good reviews for my class papers I'd be much more motivated to write. Anyone have a burning desire to read the analytic ramblings of a linguistics student? Yeah, didn't think so.) Anyway – Thanks.

Dedicated to Teacher and Chip. The cow print and PVC are for you!

Sam couldn't help but watch Teal'c as they waited for the colonel's family to arrive at the designated rendezvous point. He had somehow managed to procure a floppy feathered purple velvet hat in the supposed style of a courtier and was serenely munching on a deep-fried dill pickle in one hand and a deep fried Twinkie in the other.

Daniel sat beside him watching the people passing by, occasionally muttering something derogatory about historical inaccuracy. The look of on his face was one of fascinated horror, much as one would rubberneck a roadside accident. Sam couldn't help but agree with him on few points. Even she knew that they didn't have cow-print fabric during the Renaissance - and European history had been the only class she had ever gotten a C in. Perhaps she **should** have told them that the colonel's family was going to be here; it had been difficult to convince Daniel to come in the first place. But, oh, what fun it would be to see his face when…

As she was thinking this, the show began.

Sam watched as Daniel stopped mid-mutter and his jaw dropped. She followed his gaze to see the mustachioed-Jack look-alike – which she now knew as Jack's ringleader younger brother - walk by dressed in full regalia – crown, robe, sword, tights, doublet – the whole deal. His, young trapeze-artist wife held his arm, similarly dressed in regal apparel.

With a smirk at Daniel, who by this time looked as if he might faint, she waved at the couple. "Hey Andrew, have you seen your brother around?" She called out.

Daniel made a choking noise, his eyes bugging out. Alarmed, Teal'c leaped to his feet and began pounding the younger man's back to get him to start breathing again. He succeeded, but the force of one of the thumps caused Daniel to drop the drink that he was holding – grog, the vendor had called it; it was lemonade mixed with iced tea – Sam leaped out of the way as it exploded at his feet and began puddling around his decidedly non-renaissance-related sneakers.

Andrew ignored them and answered Sam regally. "He arrived shortly after myself and my beautiful queen, dear lady. I suspect he cometh shortly." He patted his wife's hand and they swept away as majestically as one could through grog-sweetened mud.

Daniel glared at Sam. She rocked back and forth on her feet, whistling innocently. "SAM!" He hissed. "What was that?"

"I believe that was O'Neill's brother." Teal'c informed Daniel. "I was unaware that he had one."

"Three actually." Sam informed them, grinning. "Do you need a napkin, Daniel?" She asked him gesturing to his now soaked and sticky shoes.

"Three?" Daniel asked ignoring her question. "And you know this how?"

Sam smirked. "I'm going to the concession stand. Anyone want anything? More grog, perhaps?" She asked over her shoulder as she walked away.

"Sam!"

"Problems, Danny boy?" Jack asked as he approached the now red-faced archaeologist. He was closely followed by David and Maureen, both dressed in Renaissance clerical gear.

"Um. Not exactly." Daniel replied looking back and forth between Jack and his brother. "I just dropped my grog."

"Sounds like a personal problem." Jack grumbled before turning to his siblings to begin introductions. "Dr. Daniel Jackson, Murray Teal'c, the rest of my team, this is my sister Maureen and my brother Dave."

Teal'c nodded his head solemnly as Daniel wiped his grog-sticky hand on his jeans and stuck it out to shake their proffered hands. "Nice to meet you both. Great costumes. Very authentic."

"Thanks." Maureen replied, with a twinkling eye. "They actually haven't changed that much over the years."

"Oh, are you an historian? What's your specialty?" Daniel asked, eagerly.

"Nun." She replied with a grin.

"You just study general history?" Daniel asked, in confusion.

"No, I'm just a nun. The real deal." Maureen replied with a grin at her brothers. "Where did Sam get to?"

Daniel gaped as Teal'c replied through a mouthful of fried Twinkie. "She has gone to re-supply DanielJackson with additional grog."

Regaining his composure, Daniel pulled a hugely grinning Jack aside and hissed. "What is going on, Jack?"

"Family reunion, Daniel. Calm down." He replied with a grin, tugging his sleeve out of Daniel's grasp. Before he could reply, Sam returned at a jog and slid to a stop in front of them all.

"I've an Ernie sighting. We have to get out of here. We're directly in their path." She whispered to the assembled group, tugging at Maureen's sleeve.

Used to being in dangerous situations (and, of course, uninformed about the Ernies) a look of deep concern passed over Daniel and Teal'c's faces.

"Should I have brought a weapon, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked solemnly as Sam, Maureen, and Dave hurried ahead in a giggling huddle, disappearing into a topiary maze.

"Yeah, Jack. What's an Ernie? Is it dangerous?" Daniel asked with concern.

Jack rolled his eyes. "I thought Carter told you. No, Teal'c a weapon isn't necessary and no, Daniel the Ernies are not dangerous, just very, very boring." Jack stepped into the maze with a smirk leaving behind a stunned looking Daniel Jackson. Teal'c followed closely with a smug grin, pleased that he understood more about Earth humor than apparently did DanielJackson.

"So let me get this straight," Daniel said later as Dave, Maureen, and SG-1 sat at a table in the _Ye Olde Biergarten_ tent, gnawing on smoked turkey legs. Daniel waved his enormous drumstick around for emphasis. (Sam vaguely wondered how big a turkey had to be to produce such massive legs.) "Sam, you were worried about Jack because he wasn't mother-henning us during our week off and you went to his house?"

Sam had the grace to look abashed. "Yes, Daniel."

"And in the process, you found out that Jack had _five_ siblings and countless relatives all of whom had a lifetime of dirt on him and he asked you to stay?" Daniel pressed.

"Yup." Sam replied with a smirk.

"Why is it," Daniel continued, "that when _I_ check up on Jack when he's acting weird, all I get is nasty American beer and inappropriate sarcasm?"

"It's how I show I care." Jack replied dryly to Daniel's disbelieving scowl.

Dave and Maureen glanced at each other and burst out laughing, surprising 3/4 of SG-1. "It's so true!" Dave said around laughter. "When I went to talk to him after he graduated from the academy, he nearly chewed my head off."

"And when I visited him right after he got married, he _growled_ at me." Maureen added. "I'm surprised you haven't figured all this out yet." She gazed affectionately at her brother. "You only hurt the ones you love." Jack rolled his eyes at her. "Stop giving away all my secrets, or I swear I'll tell the sisters about the time you broke into the high school gym and got caught skinny-dipping in the swimming pool."

"Which time?" Maureen asked malevolently. "Besides I'm sure your team would much prefer to hear about when _you_ did the same thing."

"Hey! I was wearing clothes." Jack retorted.

"Flippers and goggles do not count as clothes, Jack." Dave added. _He_ had been the good one in the family. Besides, he was still mad that Jack had refused to take him along. And Jack had been surprised that he had gotten caught, Dave recalled with a wicked grin.

Fortunately for the priest, his smile went unnoticed as everyone else roared with laughter.

"That was probably the shortest match they've ever had." Dave said in awe as Teal'c gazed curiously at the wooden trophy he held in his hands.

"I still do not understand the purpose of this battle." Teal'c responded. "They were most inefficient weapons."

"But you still won big guy. Good job." Jack responded, with a pat on the back. Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"I can't say it was much of a competition. No one wanted to go against Murray after he knocked the first guy unconscious." Daniel added. "Who knew foam-covered PVC pipe packed such a wallop."

"I don't think it was so much the pipe as your friend here." Maureen broke in. "Are you sure you work in deep space radar telemetry?"

"Indeed." Teal'c intoned. "It is a most intriguing field."

"Right." Dave said, looking suspiciously at his brother.

"So you're leaving tomorrow?" Daniel asked as the group meandered out to the parking lot.

"Early tomorrow afternoon. Maureen has to get back to the convent and I have to get back to my church." Dave replied. "You're all welcome to come and visit us sometime if you like. Maureen promised that she'd show Sam some pictures."

"Pictures?" Daniel asked with a sly grin. "You have pictures?"

The End, for now


End file.
